Spoiler Alert: 10/5/11: Fact: Columbus sailed the ocean

50/50: You Decide!

1. Chances of Seth Rogen wearing out his welcome with the audience
2. NBA revenue split
3. It turns out, there is not an app for that (R.I.P. Steve Jobs)
4. JGL dies of a broken heart

Real Steel: Halfway through the movie, TV ratings for Robot-Boxing plummet due the rising popularity of HGTV's Robot-Letter-Boxing

The Human Centipede II:  A day in the life of a Human Centipede II viewer:

11:30 a.m. Wake up and check if cat in pillowcase is fully drowned in bathtub
11:35 a.m. finish off cat
11:45 a.m. check Twitter
12:30 p.m. buy tickets for The Human Centipede II (J/K buy ticket (singular) for Human Centipede II)
1:30 p.m. Eat lunch of Dorito's Cool Ranch (R.I.P. Dorito's guy), Mountain Dew Code Red, and  Greek Yogurt (for protein)
2:00 p.m. Mom drops them off at movie theater (STOP BEING SO EMBARRASSING MOM)
2:05 p.m. sneak dead cat into movie theater
2:15 p.m. watch movie
4:15 p.m. check twitter
6:00 p.m. put dead cat in closet among its its still living kittens
7:30 p.m. Madden 12 baby!
2:00 a.m. curl up with duvet cover, eagerly anticipate The Human Centipede III-D

The Ides of March: SPOILER ALERT! It's a Tuesday next year

SPOILER ALERT 9/21/11: There would have been 3 more this week, but we only subscribe to streaming service, not DVD by mail.

Machine Gun Preacher:  IMDB Synopsis: "The story of a former drug-dealing biker who found God and became a crusader for hundreds of Sudanese children who've been forced to become soldiers."  This takes the "redemption story" to new levels.  Michael Vick is going to have to pass for 800 yards and repair the rift between Netflix/Quikster (Quikster? seriously?) and it customers next week in order to keep pace.

Killer Elite: Money isn't the only thing that is unfairly concentrated at the top, among "the elite".  The top .1% of killers commit 80% of all murders, leaving only manslaughter scraps for the common man.

Moneyball: Great, now there's a whole movie about how some douche has a foolproof method to win his fantasy league (Jonah Hill writes his own lines by taking the Superbad script and doing a find/replace all, substituting "OPS" for "sex")

The Lion King 3D: A more apt title for this updated version would be "The Lion Prime Minister".  Most of the movie revolves around a fierce negotiation between Simba's Top-of-the-Food-Chain Party and Timon and Pumba's Meerkat-Warthog Rainbow Coalition Party to craft the  Hakuna Matata Act of 2011: Ensuring No Worries for the Rest of Your Days.  Nala is positively radiant as the first lady.

SPOILER ALERT 9/15/11: Beware the Ides of September.

I Don't Know How She Does It: This is how she does it: At the beginning of each day, she sits down and makes a list of what needs to be accomplished. Each task falls into 1 of 3 categories; mother, career or wife. Obviously there is too much to accomplish on any given day, therefore she does each task poorly. She is an average mother, mediocre career woman and C- wife.

Straw Dogs: This movie is decent by dog-art standards. Here is a list of the top 10 works of dog-art:

10. Tie: Call of the Wild, Where the Red Fern Grows, Old Yeller & To Build a Fire

9. Painting of Dogs Playing Poker

8. Dog the Bounty Hunter. Marathon airing on A&E this Sunday beginning at 1pm Eastern Standard Time.

7. Straw Dogs

6. Teen Wolf

5. Reservoir Dogs

4. Teen Wolf 2

3. Your Mom's face

2. Tie: Blues Clues & Snoop Dogg's Doggystyle

1. The Poochy episode of the Simpsons

Restless: Here is the actual IMDB synopsis: The story of a terminally ill teenage girl who falls for a boy who likes to attend funerals andtheir encounters with the ghost of a Japanese kamikaze pilot from WWII.

In a related story, here are 8 other movie concepts:

1. The story of terminally ill teenage girl

2. A teenage girl who falls for a boy

3. A boy who likes to attend funerals

4. Encounters with a ghost

5. Ghosts of a Japanese kamikaze pilot from WWII

6. Japanese Kamikaze pilot from WWII

7. Pilot from WWII

8. WWII

Contagion: Actual film tagline: Nothing spreads like fear.

FALSE!

The following also spread equal to or better than fear:

• your mom's legs (BOOM!)
• panic
• yawning
• Thompson's Turf Builder Plus 2
• viral video of litter of autotuned kittens falling asleep and then making friends with a panda
• Odds line for game between Harlem Globetrotters and Washington Generals
• Jif

SPOILER ALERT: Making these movies like the milk in your fridge after 6 days without power!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: People acting like they aren't afraid of what's coming to get them, but then it happens and they don't have power for an uncomfortable period, and they (snarky internet jerks) get what's coming to them. Pshhh. That was a Category 5 Topical Storm joke!!

Chasing Madoff: Act now to see this movie! It's guaranteed to be 20% better every year for the rest of your life! All of your other Jewish friends have already seen it and swear by it!

Our Idiot Brother: This is a shot for shot remake of Clueless, but with Paul Rudd playing the ditsy main character and Alicia Silverstone playing the intellectual dickish stepsister. Brittany Murphy was unavailable for this role. Way harsh, Tai!

Colombiana: Since there have been nearly 12 thousand movies about Colombia, its drug cartels, high murder rate, and other maladies, this movie must be about 1 or more of the following:

• Bogota Botanical Gardens
• Luis Angel Arroyo Library
• Colombian National Coffee Park
• Pablo Escobar's delightful niece Marisol
  

Out of Office Autoreply: RE: Halloween 1986!!!

At 8:20 a.m. on August 24th, Graham <graham1442@aol.com> wrote:

__________________________________________________________________

Hey B-Rock,

How have you been? It's been a long time!  I just came across a picture of the time we went as the Miami Vice guys to that Halloween party, and figured I'd email.

 

Still community organizing? Or did you go to one of those blue-shoe (or is it white shoe?) law firms? I feel like going to one of those would have best for your career in the long term.  Or we should have just gone into business with ol' Snarf Dog (bow wow owwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!).  Actually not, because I think he's in the slammer.

Anyways hope all is well,

Your old buddy Graham

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

At 8:21 a.m. on August 24th, Barry <commander-in-chief@whitehouse.gov> wrote:

My Fellow American,

Thank you for your email, I am out of the office until 8/29 without access to email (I'll try to sneak some BlackBerry time, don't tell Michelle! (lol)).  If you need the nuclear launch codes, please contact Joe Biden at ext. 2554.  Otherwise, I will respond to your message when I return.

brgrds,

-barry
Please consider the environment (and the budget!) before printing this email

 

 

SPOILER ALERT: Films you won't have to pay $21 to see in 3D!

30 Minutes or Less: Jessie Eisenberg successfully robs the bank, but through litigation is forced to give 10% of his hoard to the Winkelvoss twins.

One Day: More Like One Gay!!!*

Conan the Barbarian: Swarthy young warrior valiantly attempts to defend his small peaceful empire against the vicious onslaught of a pale, (and on-the-obvious-downslope-of-his-career) warlord, but is ultimately destroyed. Cast includes Conan O'Brien and George Lopez.

Spy Kids 4D: Of course this movie is in 4D as it deals with the passing of time. Just like One Gay!**


*Editors note: This isn't making fun of gay people, it's poking fun at calling things gay even though they have nothing to do with the lifestyle choice of choosing to be gay. Being gay is awesome, especially because its a choice.

**Also, the movie is about a man and a woman falling in love, what could possibly be less gay?

SPOILER ALERT: Spoiling movies even WE haven't even seen 08/03/2011

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Title proves to be red herring, due to Trojan Banana

Zookeeper: Kevin James makes a fun movie for kids, with talking animals, and everyone judges him for it, even though it's called "Zookeeper", and it's rated PG. If James Franco made this movie, you'd write your senior capstone thesis about the deconstruction of fame and modern movie stardom, a third-wave feminist analysis of modern masculinity in film. Also, the movie is just okay, even for kid's movie.

Cowboys and Aliens: The aliens get Small Pox

Bad Teacher: All teachers are bad, and the only thing bigger than their benefits packages is their contempt for the taxpayers, this movie is actually a gritty real-life documentary.

Captain America: The First Avenger: The whole thing is just a long set-up to the prequel, "Lieutenant America"

The Smurfs: The movie turns out to be an enjoyable tale for children, NOT an allegory for a totalitarian regime with a communist economic system that encourages drug fueled polygamist sex raves while discouraging verbs.

A haiku to all the ladies out there... seriously, this applies to all of you

Girl, you take photos!?
Artist! I've never seen a 
Tree from that angle

What's the deal....

with airline peanuts?