SPOILER ALERT: Making these movies like the milk in your fridge after 6 days without power!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: People acting like they aren't afraid of what's coming to get them, but then it happens and they don't have power for an uncomfortable period, and they (snarky internet jerks) get what's coming to them. Pshhh. That was a Category 5 Topical Storm joke!!

Chasing Madoff: Act now to see this movie! It's guaranteed to be 20% better every year for the rest of your life! All of your other Jewish friends have already seen it and swear by it!

Our Idiot Brother: This is a shot for shot remake of Clueless, but with Paul Rudd playing the ditsy main character and Alicia Silverstone playing the intellectual dickish stepsister. Brittany Murphy was unavailable for this role. Way harsh, Tai!

Colombiana: Since there have been nearly 12 thousand movies about Colombia, its drug cartels, high murder rate, and other maladies, this movie must be about 1 or more of the following:

• Bogota Botanical Gardens
• Luis Angel Arroyo Library
• Colombian National Coffee Park
• Pablo Escobar's delightful niece Marisol