SPOILER ALERT: Making these movies like the milk in your fridge after 6 days without power!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark: People acting like they aren't afraid of what's coming to get them, but then it happens and they don't have power for an uncomfortable period, and they (snarky internet jerks) get what's coming to them. Pshhh. That was a Category 5 Topical Storm joke!!

Chasing Madoff: Act now to see this movie! It's guaranteed to be 20% better every year for the rest of your life! All of your other Jewish friends have already seen it and swear by it!

Our Idiot Brother: This is a shot for shot remake of Clueless, but with Paul Rudd playing the ditsy main character and Alicia Silverstone playing the intellectual dickish stepsister. Brittany Murphy was unavailable for this role. Way harsh, Tai!

Colombiana: Since there have been nearly 12 thousand movies about Colombia, its drug cartels, high murder rate, and other maladies, this movie must be about 1 or more of the following:

• Bogota Botanical Gardens
• Luis Angel Arroyo Library
• Colombian National Coffee Park
• Pablo Escobar's delightful niece Marisol
  

Out of Office Autoreply: RE: Halloween 1986!!!

At 8:20 a.m. on August 24th, Graham <graham1442@aol.com> wrote:

__________________________________________________________________

Hey B-Rock,

How have you been? It's been a long time!  I just came across a picture of the time we went as the Miami Vice guys to that Halloween party, and figured I'd email.

 

Still community organizing? Or did you go to one of those blue-shoe (or is it white shoe?) law firms? I feel like going to one of those would have best for your career in the long term.  Or we should have just gone into business with ol' Snarf Dog (bow wow owwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!).  Actually not, because I think he's in the slammer.

Anyways hope all is well,

Your old buddy Graham

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

At 8:21 a.m. on August 24th, Barry <commander-in-chief@whitehouse.gov> wrote:

My Fellow American,

Thank you for your email, I am out of the office until 8/29 without access to email (I'll try to sneak some BlackBerry time, don't tell Michelle! (lol)).  If you need the nuclear launch codes, please contact Joe Biden at ext. 2554.  Otherwise, I will respond to your message when I return.

brgrds,

-barry
Please consider the environment (and the budget!) before printing this email

 

 

SPOILER ALERT: Films you won't have to pay $21 to see in 3D!

30 Minutes or Less: Jessie Eisenberg successfully robs the bank, but through litigation is forced to give 10% of his hoard to the Winkelvoss twins.

One Day: More Like One Gay!!!*

Conan the Barbarian: Swarthy young warrior valiantly attempts to defend his small peaceful empire against the vicious onslaught of a pale, (and on-the-obvious-downslope-of-his-career) warlord, but is ultimately destroyed. Cast includes Conan O'Brien and George Lopez.

Spy Kids 4D: Of course this movie is in 4D as it deals with the passing of time. Just like One Gay!**


*Editors note: This isn't making fun of gay people, it's poking fun at calling things gay even though they have nothing to do with the lifestyle choice of choosing to be gay. Being gay is awesome, especially because its a choice.

**Also, the movie is about a man and a woman falling in love, what could possibly be less gay?

SPOILER ALERT: Spoiling movies even WE haven't even seen 08/03/2011

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Title proves to be red herring, due to Trojan Banana

Zookeeper: Kevin James makes a fun movie for kids, with talking animals, and everyone judges him for it, even though it's called "Zookeeper", and it's rated PG. If James Franco made this movie, you'd write your senior capstone thesis about the deconstruction of fame and modern movie stardom, a third-wave feminist analysis of modern masculinity in film. Also, the movie is just okay, even for kid's movie.

Cowboys and Aliens: The aliens get Small Pox

Bad Teacher: All teachers are bad, and the only thing bigger than their benefits packages is their contempt for the taxpayers, this movie is actually a gritty real-life documentary.

Captain America: The First Avenger: The whole thing is just a long set-up to the prequel, "Lieutenant America"

The Smurfs: The movie turns out to be an enjoyable tale for children, NOT an allegory for a totalitarian regime with a communist economic system that encourages drug fueled polygamist sex raves while discouraging verbs.